An Odyssey of Liberal Self Discovery
The other day I woke up as a Mexican. I wasn’t just any Mexican but an illegal alien who got all kinds of free government swag like an education, welfare, healthcare and even the right to vote. Well that experience was so liberating that today I decided to wake up as a Democrat.  Now I’m not just any ol’ Democrat, I am an honest to God liberal right out of the mold of the very people who run, own and operate the modern day Democratic Party (Maybe I am Pelosi or Kennedy or Hillary) with ideals far different from the party of yesteryear where there actually was an understanding of national defense, capitalism and the American culture.Â
As I awoke I found myself chanting Bush lied, people died.  I suddenly realized that this was a war for oil being run by Halliburton!  I asked myself about needless soldier fatalities.  Suddenly I was hit with the realization that there were actually more active duty military fatalities during the Clinton years than since George W. Bush took office. Hey, I’m a liberal today and I will not let facts get in the way of my new found enlightenment.  Â
I mean consider what liberals have done for us, giving us wonderful entitlements such as social security, that forced retirement plan where money is involuntarily taken from both my employer and me.   This cash is put into a social security trust and I must remain oblivious to the fact that this trust was raided by Democrats a generation ago to use as a slush fund to cover the costs of other social programs. I mean if it weren’t for that party I may very well have to have kept my money in a Common Stock Index Fund which would have yielded me an average annual return over the past ten years of 10.99%. I’m sure glad I have the government on my side where my yields average an annual return of 1.5%.  C’mon folks, don’t let facts blur your vision either, join me in this trip to utopia where government is the solution to all.&n bsp; Â
As a liberal I have learned to accept other forms of marriage, ending that despicable form of discrimination called traditional marriage.  Sure, I can support Neil marrying Bob, but in order to not be a hypocrite I realize that my now enlightened viewpoint will allow anyone to get married.  Enjoy your sisters companionship? Go get hitched. Gee Dad, will you marry me too? How about Mom and Dad and son?   We can’t discriminate against beastiality, come on over Fido and join the new enlightened approach to marriage where anyone can marry anyone with no limit to the number of partners! Â
Wow, I am feeling so liberated with this new outlook on life.  I am going to give my guns away and hope that someone robs me so that I can share my possessions with them, as they must truly be less fortunate than I. Maybe as a society we can put down all of our arms and hope that criminals will do the same.   We can even abolish the military because we know that terrorists respect our way of life and illegal aliens respect our sovereignty.
In fact, I want to invite all of Mexico to come here illegally.  Come on up Comrade, and bring your family.  You can even pop out a kid who is granted citizenship.  Se habla Espanol? You better, because it’s the new official language of Los Estados Unidos. With my new found enlightenment I have half a mind to demand they end that horrible practice of giving people the option of pressing one for English.  After all, if you want to be in our liberated nation, you darn well better know the language. Comprende?Â
This is awesome; I never knew that these ideas could be so effective and make me feel so good about myself.  We need to do more to end global warming.  We should ban cars, trucks, planes and motorcycles. Let’s close every factory in the world that emits carbons.  We need to ban furnaces and fires and barbecue grilles. Look, I know that the earth has had warmer historical periods but I’ve already told you to leave facts out of this, as my liberal ideals carry more weight than any fact or statistic you can provide. Besides, as a liberal I can buy some carbon credits to continue with my wasteful ways as I am only demanding you stop yours.
Wow, don’t you just love the world of liberalism where one is never to be offended? I am so glad to be done with free speech and expression. I even saw someone wearing a Cleveland Indians t-shirt and called the PC police to haul him off to jail because the logo was offensive to the natives.  Thank heavens we were successful in stopping that Illinois University student from his “native Indian dancing” at halftime of football games.  Isn’t it wonderful to have a progressive viewpoint that allows for the burning of flags and desecration of Bibles because they offend some sensibilities.   I don’t care if the nation is 90% Christian because democracy is only selectively applied.   The media is on my side, always supporting liberal ideals, except for Fox News who I will ultimat ely have shut down because dissent only disturbs my agenda with facts that undermine my views.Â
I guess I could go on and on about the wonders of liberalism learned during my odyssey of self discovery.   Fortunately I woke up from this nightmare to the reality that liberalism is actually at the root of every single problem facing our nation for the past fifty years.    Is there any crisis that can’t be traced directly back to some liberal ideal? Perhaps that is the question we should be pondering as 2008 approaches us with a caste of radical left wing characters that would make Stalin himself quite proud.Â
March 14, 2007 - 06:23 AM on March 14th, 2007
Your nightmare looks like a Democrat’s ideal here in Dubuque. The Hillary people are such liars that her campaign stop forced the local Frie Marshall to take action limiting crowds at Democrat events. Hillary’s people lied to the Fire Marshall about how many invitations to Hillary’s event they had confirmed. The Hillary people wanted to force an overflow to justify the local Democrat media’s gush about the event.